Excerpts

 Chapter 28: Toes in the Sand

With Timothy actively using again, I thought it was best that I head to California to check up on him. I was excited about seeing him. However, once I laid eyes on him, I had mixed emotions. At first, I was disappointed. He looked as if he had leprosy again, he was slurring his words, and his green eyes were sunk in his sockets as far as his cheeks were into his face. I felt angry that he was not “taking care of my son” as he had promised me. I was so upset that I looked at him and said, “You know Tim, you look like shit. You’re filthy, your skin has boils all over it and your hands are filthy.” He looked at me and softly said with tears in his eyes, “Don’t you think that I know I look like shit?” I watched as his tears fell on the table and were absorbed by the napkin. He went on. “Don’t you think I know I am a piece of shit? I know all of this and it’s very painful to hear it as well, especially from my mother. I am sorry I am such a disappointment to you.” He took my breath away. I was saddened not only by his response, but by my lack of empathy for my own sick child. This was a turning point for me. For years I had struggled with the idea of Timothy actually really being sick. I wouldn’t believe it. That day I realized that it was me that had been self-absorbed. How could I be so cruel? So disconnected from my own child. It took me a moment to understand what had happened. I apologized to him. From that day on, I was careful about what I said to him.

That evening I beat myself up for being so insensitive and thoughtful.

How could I be so insensitive to my son who is homeless, strung out and physically ill? What kind of person am I?

I am a scared, angry mom who is afraid of losing her child. Although this moment was a sad one for me, I don’t regret it happening, as it made me decide that my time spent with my son was not going to be wasted on scolding him or trying to set him straight anymore. How could I try and solve all of his problems when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind myself?

That day I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that I was going to limit our dining across from each other as that would only bring on a conversation about our own addictions. I was going to carefully plan our day together doing some sort of activity. We started going to the movies, or on walks and we even played golf a few times. He is a terrible golfer, but the ball does go a long way. This felt much better to me than stewing in my resentments and making my son cry.